Friday, March 25, 2011

Fed to Allow Self-Printing of U.S. Currency

PDFs of $10, $20 and $100 Now Available for Download, Says Bernanke
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Federal Reserve this morning began allowing people to print their own money.
“The success of previous attempts at quantitative easing was handcuffed due to the significant lag time between policy initiation and the anticipated impact reaching the broader economy,” said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke in congressional testimony before the House Banking Committee, “We believe that this new approach will get money immediately into the hands of the businesses and individuals who desperately need it.”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, applauded the plan, “Banks will be able to repair their balance sheets, businesses will be able to finance expansion, state and local governments will be able to close their deficits and shore up their pension liabilities, and individuals will be able to pay off their mortgages and get out from under the thumb of those Wall Street fat cats.”
“Look, the federal government has been doing this all along,” Leader Pelosi continued, “it’s about time we share this ability with everyone else.”
“This is exactly the move that can set the country back on a sustainable flight path,” said Mark Zandi, Chief Economist of Moody’s Analytics and longtime supporter of aggressive stimulus, “Based on my models, which are never wrong, I predict that this will lead to GDP growth of 11.3% and an unemployment rate of 0.2% by Q3 of this year.  That is, unless it doesn't.”
Businesses have already begun taking advantage of the new policy.
“We’re quickly paying off our long term debt obligations, and we’ve raised our dividend by 250%,” said Daniel Akerson, CEO of General Motors, “Unfortunately, an hour ago our high volume printer jammed, but I can assure our investors that we will continue on our path to zero debt as soon as the Xerox repairman gets here.”
Not everyone is happy with the Fed’s new plan.  “This is turning out to be a total mess,” said Jason Abrams, of Henderson, NV, one of the areas hardest hit by the housing bubble, “I just found out that my HP doesn’t have duplex printing.  Now I’ll have to print one side, turn it over, and then put it back in the paper cartridge.  I know I’ll put it the wrong way in and the back will be printed upside down.  I was hoping to pay off my house this morning.  Now I might not be able to do it until this afternoon, or even tomorrow.”
PDF files are available for download at the website for currencies ranging from $10 to $100.  Chairman Bernanke said that for those with slower inkjet printers, they can simply write an extra zero on the currency after it prints.
In related news, the Dow closed up 38% today, while oil closed at $2476 a barrel for light sweet crude, an increase of more than 2300% over its previous close.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

President Tweets Start of Military Operations in Libya from 10th Tee

Missiles Bomb Tripoli as President Bombs Tee Shot

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL – President Barack Obama addressed the American people this morning via Twitter, informing them of the start of military operations to enforce the no-fly zone over Libya.
“my fellow amercns – tomhwks dropn on libya now. no fly zone in effect. AND i drove >250 off the tee! qdfy betta run n hide! lol,”  read the tweet, which was immediately retweeted by Secretary of Defense Robert Gates.
The tweet was sent from the President’s BlackBerry after rounding the turn following the front nine at Itanhangá Golf Club, widely considered Rio De Janeiro’s top golf course.  Meanwhile, First Lady Michelle Obama tweeted that she and daughters Malia and Sasha were being treated to shopping at the exclusive boutiques of the famed Rua Gonçalves Dias.
“stores here r crrrazy expnsv grl!” the First Lady tweeted, “m wants a baiana dress? uh uh. not in my lifetime.  that thing is fuggly!”
The First Family will be flown later via AirForce One to Brasilia, where they will be regaled with traditional Brazilian song and dance at a state dinner hosted by Brazilian President Dilma Rousseff at her official residence, the Palácio da Alvorada.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who was the only high-ranking official available for interviews, held a press conference to discuss the military action.
“It’s entirely the President’s prerogative to decide how and when to address the American people,” said Secretary Clinton, “Twitter is a critical means of communication in the 21st century, and the President has determined that it was appropriate for this particular matter.”
“Obviously, if I were President, I wouldn’t have done it,” she added.  There was an awkward silence of several seconds before another question was fielded.
A reporter then asked why the military response in Libya was completely different compared to the lack of response during the Iranian uprising a year earlier.
“Look, in the case of Iran the President made every effort to provide support to the demonstrators.  He joined their fan page on Facebook, and he used all available back channels to post on President Ahmadinejad’s wall to scale back the brutal response of his security forces,” Secretary Clinton replied, indicating that President Obama has never “friended” President Ahmadinejad, despite vowing to do so without conditions during his 2008 campaign. 
“He even went so far as to text President Ahmadinejad directly,” Secretary Clinton continued, “It’s not the fault of this administration that President Ahmadinejad doesn’t reply to text messages.  Our intelligence does indicate that Iranian carriers don’t offer all-you-can text plans, which may have contributed to communications breaking down between our two countries.”
During Secretary Clinton’s press conference, a second tweet was sent from President Obama’s BlackBerry.
“jst birdied 10.  da prez is on fiyah!” the tweet read.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Toyota Rolls Out Limited Edition Obama Prius

Model Won't Be around After 2012, Analysts Say

DETROIT – At the 2011 Detroit Auto Show, Toyota surprised industry analysts with the early unveiling of its limited edition Obama 2012 Prius, named after the current President of the United States. 
“We’re very excited about this car,” said Jim Lentz, president of Toyota North America, “We realize it’s early in the release cycle, but we thought it was good timing considering the 2012 presidential election campaign is already underway.”

Toyota decided to develop the Obama Prius using surplus inventory from 2008, since there will be little to no improvements from the 2008 to 2012 versions.  Any indication of the manufacture date and country of origin will be sanded off the automobile, though a certificate of manufacturing will be provided to customers upon request.  Other highlights of the 2012 Obama Prius include:
·       An “Obama 2012” sticker expertly preinstalled on the rear bumper, right next to a “No Blood for Oil!” sticker for the more nostalgic customers.  The original “Obama/Biden 2012” sticker was scrapped after fears that it would be unappealing to the target market
·       Built in GPS with onscreen teleprompter
·       A disabled right-turn signal
·       Free set of TaylorMade golf clubs pre-packed in the trunk for frequent golf outings
·       Extra-large cigarette trays.
Also, in an effort by Toyota to turn recent negative PR around, the accelerator has been renamed “The ObamaCare Gas Pedal”, which will at times unpredictably accelerate, moving the car forward despite any attempts to apply the brakes.
“We also made sure that this model was assembled with a purely unionized workforce,” added Lentz, “In fact, I want to assure our consumers that we are making every effort to lose money on every single Obama 2012 Prius that we sell.”
Pre-orders are already pouring in from around the world, with the vast majority coming from Hollywood, CA. 
“This is totally a dream come true!” exclaimed famed actress and avid Obama supporter Scarlett Johansson in a phone interview, “and it’s also assuring to know that in purchasing this car I’m helping to stop the rise of the oceans and destruction of the rainforests.”  When asked to elaborate, the phone call was unexpectedly cut off.
The Obama 2012 Prius will initially be on sale exclusively to public union executives.  It will be offered in only one color combination – black exterior and white interior.