Friday, March 25, 2011

Fed to Allow Self-Printing of U.S. Currency

PDFs of $10, $20 and $100 Now Available for Download, Says Bernanke
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a widely anticipated move, the Federal Reserve this morning began allowing people to print their own money.
“The success of previous attempts at quantitative easing was handcuffed due to the significant lag time between policy initiation and the anticipated impact reaching the broader economy,” said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke in congressional testimony before the House Banking Committee, “We believe that this new approach will get money immediately into the hands of the businesses and individuals who desperately need it.”
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, applauded the plan, “Banks will be able to repair their balance sheets, businesses will be able to finance expansion, state and local governments will be able to close their deficits and shore up their pension liabilities, and individuals will be able to pay off their mortgages and get out from under the thumb of those Wall Street fat cats.”
“Look, the federal government has been doing this all along,” Leader Pelosi continued, “it’s about time we share this ability with everyone else.”
“This is exactly the move that can set the country back on a sustainable flight path,” said Mark Zandi, Chief Economist of Moody’s Analytics and longtime supporter of aggressive stimulus, “Based on my models, which are never wrong, I predict that this will lead to GDP growth of 11.3% and an unemployment rate of 0.2% by Q3 of this year.  That is, unless it doesn't.”
Businesses have already begun taking advantage of the new policy.
“We’re quickly paying off our long term debt obligations, and we’ve raised our dividend by 250%,” said Daniel Akerson, CEO of General Motors, “Unfortunately, an hour ago our high volume printer jammed, but I can assure our investors that we will continue on our path to zero debt as soon as the Xerox repairman gets here.”
Not everyone is happy with the Fed’s new plan.  “This is turning out to be a total mess,” said Jason Abrams, of Henderson, NV, one of the areas hardest hit by the housing bubble, “I just found out that my HP doesn’t have duplex printing.  Now I’ll have to print one side, turn it over, and then put it back in the paper cartridge.  I know I’ll put it the wrong way in and the back will be printed upside down.  I was hoping to pay off my house this morning.  Now I might not be able to do it until this afternoon, or even tomorrow.”
PDF files are available for download at the website for currencies ranging from $10 to $100.  Chairman Bernanke said that for those with slower inkjet printers, they can simply write an extra zero on the currency after it prints.
In related news, the Dow closed up 38% today, while oil closed at $2476 a barrel for light sweet crude, an increase of more than 2300% over its previous close.

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